Me, “What is her name again?”
Peter, “Ms. No.”
Me, “Ms. Snow?”
Peter, “No! Ms. N-O! Like she says NO to everything!
About a week later he came home from school and said, “Ms. No quit. I asked if she got fired but my teacher said she just quit.” Thank goodness we had a curriculum meeting that night. I asked his teacher if it was true she no longer had an assistant. She confirmed that Peter was correct.
Our kids have traveled enough to be accustomed to walking through a metal detector. What struck them all funny while entering a pro basketball arena is that were using the wand to manually scan people. Peter stood in line for a long time completely fascinated watching people step up and put their arms out and legs out while the gal went all around them. He asked if they were going to do it to the kids as well. He asked what exactly they were looking for and he asked LOUDLY, “What are you going to do with your pocket knife mom?!” I felt it best to ignore him like he was just some crazy kid. He showed me. He waited until the mob of people were even closer to the security person and said again, “Whaaaatttt are you going to do with your pocket knife MOM?” It’s always a good day when it ends without my kids getting me arrested.
He came home from first grade with a picture he drew. I spent FOREVER trying to figure it out so he wouldn’t be insulted. It looked like a round person with lots of people in the persons belly and people traveling down the persons throat. A mom having multiple babies perhaps? I finally asked and wished I hadn’t.
His reply, “Oh. that’s Fat Bastard from Austin Powers and he’s all like…GET IN MY BELLY! That is the guy being sucked in his stomach.” For the record my darling husband let him and his older brothers watch a couple of scenes from the movie, when I wasn’t around, I found out.
Peter doing his kindergarten homework, “This is just ridiculous homework. She wants me to count our windows and doors. I’m only counting the doors that go outside.” He writes 8 for doors. Then I look down and ask him what he wrote in the space for windows, as I’m confused . Elliott, “I just wrote the symbol for infinity because this homework is dumb and I’m not walking around counting windows! Like I can’t count. I’m sure!”
The kids had a random day off from school so I dragged Peter with me to run some errands. While at the mall and after telling poor Peter this was the last store, “I promise!” We were at the checkout counter when Peter did the thing I do to the kids when I mean business. Peter standing to my side said, “Mom” (to get me to look at his face) then he says, “Mom, I need you to walk back out of this store and through the mall with your eyes closed. Do you understand? No more looking…eyes closed.” (said out of the top of his eyes with a tortured look of Lurch from the Adams family.)
This is what everyone with kids below age five think of their kids
Contrast
This is what happens when they turn five and have two big brothers.
“Mom, since I cannot tell if my hermit crab is a boy or a girl…can I name it uniSEX? (said with the sex in a low slow whisper and a coy look on his face) You know, like a bathroom and not like a bad word.”
When the second year of swim season was about to begin I asked Peter if he wanted to be on the swim team again. His reply, “No, and if you make me I will break my own arm so I can’t swim“.
Jim’s mom was here visiting. I am pretty sure I’m going to win “Mother of the Year” after this one…Peter, as most people know, prefers his hair on the “longer” side. It is currently on the longest of the longer sides right now. Jim’s mom asks him if he wants to got get a haircut. Peter’s reply was that he likes his hair like this and that he is not losing “that” twenty bucks. Jim’s mom confused asks him what he is talking about and he says, “two of my buddies and I have a bet who is going to get a haircut first and Will already got his cut now it’s just Andy and I left.” I was speechless and yet supportive of his endeavor and also certain none of them have thought about where the 20 bucks was coming from.
The teacher has him write down his favorite dish that is made at home and has him write down how to make it. Then the teacher has the parents submit the actual recipe. What recipe does Peter come home requesting? Beef loin with shallots and rosemary.
sillyliss says
Oh my goodness, I shouldn’t have been reading this post at work. But maybe my coworkers just think I have hilarious secretarial projects going on now?
All that makes you... says
I love it! Could only be better if you peed yourself. I’m glad everyone enjoys my little stink pot. I am going to have to figure out how to post video. He has taped some terrible things on my phone. I found one last night where he was using a laser pointer and doing commentary as he was pretend “assassinating” Lego guys. Ugh…all in his sweet low raspy voice and giggling between. If he didn’t spend so much time saving animals and flowers he would have a psychologist.
christine says
Um, this is hilarious. I wish someone would bring me MY coffee in bed. And the tooth fairy tasing is just a hoot. I do believe you are right that our kids would be fast friends.
Cheers!
beachmum says
Your kid and your stories are hilarious! He is the kid every teacher loves/hates to have- I say hate simply because they remind us teachers of how dumb we really are. BRILLIANT post!
Teresa Cleveland Wendel says
I love kids with attitude!
All that makes you... says
It will be hard to believe but he is so the best kid ever in the classroom. The teachers love him he is so helpful. It’s because he is so smart that he sees the irony and ridiculous in things…and comments! 😉 I am going to add a few more tomorrow and you will see just what I mean.
Caddo Veil says
Oh shoot! Next time I’m depressed, could I borrow this kid for a day? Maybe it would only take 4 hours. I am SO Not getting anything done–this is like watching TV, but no commercials and you can just keep coming back to it! After reading his request that his coffee be brought to him in bed, I could hardly see to read the rest! God bless you all abundantly.
All that makes you... says
Oh he’s a riot. I’m just happy I am his favorite person. 😉 he was ten days overdue and 10 1/2 pounds so we joke he wasn’t coming out until he could hold his own with his brothers. Thanks for reading!
Bean's Monkey Business says
Lol! Great kid stories. With five, we often have hilarious stories. That last photo was amazing:)
You son sounds a lot like my younger (now 15) son. And I can’t tell you how many times I came home from a girls night out ready for a quiet evening at home (if you know what I mean) to find that not only were the kids up 2 hours past bed time, but they’d be watching something like “Jurassic Park”, “Shawn of the Dead” or yeah, you mentioned it “The best from Austin Powers!! Gotta love it.
All that makes you... says
What is it with these dads? It’s funny how when you meet a kid you just know if he was cut from the same cloth as one of yours. He told his teacher what the picture was ! It is a wonder how I hold my head up. 😉 if you read my post, “forgot to tell the. To keep their heads out of the toilet” you will see that the teachers kind of expect it from us. Oh, and “only to me or Old Christine or Elaine from Seinfeld”. Nothing like a black wig shoved in a duffel bag wide open at the foot of your kindergartener to get the teacher talking!
news4dudes says
your 7-year old & my 7-year old need to go bowling….it’s totally the little brother syndrome, God love ’em
All that makes you... says
Little brothers rock. As I am typing this he us using a fallen branch to make a six foot tall slingshot, like angry birds. He’s been twisting it into the ground…right next to our front door.
alundeberg says
I don’t have children by choice and have never met one that really made me want to put an ovary to use, but Peter is the first to come close. What a cool kid– he and your other sons must just keep you on your toes! Thanks for sharing.
All that makes you... says
You made me snort! Your own kids are so much more tolerable. 😉 Thanks for reading.
alundeberg says
Thanks for the follow! I can’t wait to read more about your family’s adventures.