My Crazy Neighbor Lady

by All that makes you · 0 comments

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No, I am not the crazy neighbor lady silly.
But I always say it must be very hard to be my friend. This is mostly because I am a “prolific texter” and will giggle at myself more than anyone else will giggle at what thoughts cross my smart phone.
Example, I just sent this to my neighbor across the street, who has one of the last vacant lots next to him.

“They have been jackhammering that brand new driveway all day and it makes me grumpy. I am guessing someone didn’t like the color.
If you see me dragging rocks to the lot next to you and making a pentagram and shoveling road kill into the middle of it, you never saw me.
It was the devil worshipers we hear chanting at night. I need about five years of no construction. Then I will stop throwing roadkill on the lot. I am sorry in advance for the smell. I will try and leave a candle for you once in a while.”

The best part, I am NOT the crazy neighbor lady!
Really! There is one and I hope she never moves. She makes me look like the president of the PTA and Martha Stewart and Fo’ Shizzel she is fabulously crazy. I hear she kills stray animals on that vacant lot. ;)

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Play My Friday Night Fun Quiz

by All that makes you · 2 comments

I figured if you have been on my blog even just a little, you might enjoy my new game called…

Who Dat?
Here is how it works. I will post a picture or a story and you get to guess, “Who Dat?”
I will give you a hint to assist your answer.
Whomever gets the first correct answer, (which will almost always be impossible because I have mentioned my life is like a giant ball of Ri-DONK-lous!) will win a prize!
Since no one will really be able to guess this unless you are as strange as the circumstances that happen to us I will award the person I feel who left the most entertaining comment the winner!

So here goes!

All That Makes You
Who’s Dat?
First Ever Game Show
Question: Which member of our family is this and what happened?
Hint: This occurred to a member of our family today at a preppy private school.

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I Cried Like a Boss, After Crawling Out of Sight

by All that makes you · 3 comments

You know when you get hurt and you want to drop to the floor and roll around in pain and whimper or even cry?
You can’t though, because there are people around.

People you didn’t make babies with, or they didn’t make you or you didn’t make them. It is a very small pool of people you can show the true emotion of a cringe worthy injury you have endured.

I have had my share of these moments, both with an audience and with an audience of strangers.

Today, I had two of these awesome moments.

One wasn’t enough.

This is what I deserve after deciding to lay some Tennessee field stones in the grass around the patio.

I head on over to a landscape hardscape shop, (over-priced rocks that someone probably paid them to get out of their yard.) They have the rocks bundled by weight. I am trying to appear smarter than the boxes of rocks I am looking into (trying to figure out why a box of rocks would cost $450) when I stepped closer to the bundle.

The owner of the landscape store is the most energetic, creative, tiny little Asian woman and she has a puppy that looks just like my baby girl in the Suburban. She is chattering along about the thickness after I had mentioned the commercial lawn mowers that would be crushing the rocks weekly.

When I felt the front of my thigh being ripped into. I instinctually jerked back to see the wire that was tying the rock up, come out of a new hole in my jeans.

The front of my thigh.
Every muscle tightening.

Be cool. Be cool.

Hot flashes.

It’s just a hole and a scratch, I am sure.

She looks down and says, “Oh yeah, I got scratched today too.”
I see nothing on her finger.
I saw nothing that she was pointing at, with her finger.

By now I am pretty sure my femoral artery was fish hooked and I am bleeding out all over and on the inside.

Should I write a note on my arm to save the medical examiner time?
“Femoral artery severed at rock shop by piece of  wire”

I put my head down and squint listen to the owner and I am pursing my lips like I am thinking really hard.

I have no idea what she is saying.

CRAMPING.

I can’t see under my jeans.  Why is the hole in my jeans so small and the pain so big?

Using both hands to apply pressure like my life depended on it.

It did depend on it because from the stomach flips and ears doing that wrrerooooorrrr thing, I was dying right here, conveniently at a rock store and no where near the HomeGoods where I have instructed the boys to spread my ashes.

They do conveniently have the most charming fireplace.

Rock Fireplace

I kept walking. I could see blood seeping through my jeans. The only way to look, is to take my jeans off.  Why must everything terrible have to end with me naked? [Another Awesome Story Here]

I order two pallets of thick and heavy stone.

Come on.  I am tough.  I finished that retail transaction.  Cha-ching!

I bring home with me four rather large rocks I am going to use in a short wall.  Like the size of the “keystone” rock above the fireplace opening.

In our driveway I pull up to the Suburban with our golf cart so I can drive them around to the back of the house, two at a time.

The rocks shift.

The sons-a-biaaatches shifted and imploded my thumb.

I was raised by my mom who invented several curse combinations. [You can do that when you are that FABULOUS.  Story here.]

I can pull out any of her famous phrases, add a syllable, throw in a few religious icons and social taboos and you will feel so dirty hearing them you will just pity me for being raised on the docks by a bunch of sailors.

So I did THAT in my southern country club neighborhood in my front yard…but behind a holly.

I am sure anyone outside, on my block heard…and I still needed to go cry!

Must cry!  My thumb feels like it is trying to disconnect itself from my hand.

What did I do Karma?  What did I do?  I was joking when I told the kids they should thank “the dishes” and it is because of dishes they exist.  My mom said it to me too!  OMG…my mom is dead.  I am sorry Karma.  Just help me get inside so I can cry this out.  [Things every mom says or just mine? Story here.]

I “Platoon” crawl into my house

I’m inside with cold water running on my thumb.

Crying.  

OMG!  Why am I so hot?  Start taking off my clothes in the kitchen.

You know how you hear about people that strip naked before dying in the cold from hypothermia?

Doctors and scientists try to understand why.

I know why.

  • They smashed their thumb
  • stripped naked
  • and froze to death

I am going to throw up.

Run to bathroom in my underwear.

Thinking about just chopping it off.  Losing it couldn’t hurt any worse than this does.

Flash forward about ten minutes and I remember to look down at my leg and see what exactly happened at the store that caused so much pain.

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Yeah, that is a bruise where the wire went into my leg and bruised the back of the side of my thigh.

AWESOME.

Did some quick math and remembered my last Tetanus shot was about eight years ago.

It was the last time I re-caulked a shower.

I laid there, in my underwear, thinking about how often things end up like this.

Injured, in my underwear, and wondering how I am going to finish this project.

The rocks will get delivered in a week.

Anyone want to come and help a clumsy, big baby with a bad leg and thumb?

Here I am thinking about the rocks.

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“You know you can hire people to do this mom?  Dad prefers you do.  Please try to not crush me next week.  If you do it’s ok.  I will like it.” – Lilly-Girl the Perfect Australian Labradoodle (mutt)

Two pallets of thick fieldstone people!

I was using some things in the yard to get an idea of scale.  My Lilly-Girl always thinks her mom is a genius, (or pities her poor stupid owner.)

Abbie Gale

The clumsy handy-girl.

Be happy this project doesn’t require a blowtorch because I can do that too. [That story here and it includes one of my favorites about the time my dad drank my sea-monkeys]

allthatmakesyou.com

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Boy Genius Drops Out, Until His New School Calls Wanting Enrollment Information

by All that makes you · 2 comments

I have changed names to protect the innocent.

Me, “Hello.”
Her, “Hello! I am Mandy from La La La School. Thank you so much for contacting us online. I am here to help walk you through the process and help get you set up!”
Me, “From who?”
Her, “La La La School.”
Me, “Huh?”
Her, “The application you filled out online”
Me, “This is Abbie Gale.”
Her, “Yes, Hello!”
Me, (so confused) “I didn’t fill out an online school application.”
Her, “Well that is how I obtained your phone number. You have a son correct?”
Me, “Yes, I have three boys and I enrolled two of them in a new school already and I did not fill out a school application with you online.”
Her, “It was filled out for Peter who is currently enrolled in 2nd grade.”
Me, “Ohhhhhh.”
Her, “La La La School is an online school that has real face time with teachers and a customized lesson plan.”
Me, “Yeah, ummmm Peter must have filled that application out and…HE IS GOOD. We aren’t having our eight year-old dropping out and taking online classes for second grade. Sorry about the confusion. He doesn’t think his current teachers know enough about reptiles to meet his academic goals. He pimps them occasionally and has deemed them unworthy and has been shopping around for new teachers Sorry we wasted your time.”

Peter Finds You Ridiculous
Peter Finds it Ridiculous

So that is how my morning went. I only changed the name of the school because Peter, is indeed, guilty in this story.

Abbie Gale at allthatmakesyou.com

You may also enjoy these stories from allthatmakesyou.com

Ridiculous Resolution to Sieze the Monkey

Almost Rendered Earlie Late – How I almost killed our sweet electrician

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Twitter: @allthatmakesyou
Email me at: abbiegale@allthatmakesyou.com
PS If you are a publisher or producer email me and I will give you my phone number. If you are Child Protective Services email me and I will give you the phone number of someone I don’t like. If you want to come and help me fold clothes and put them away I will give you my address and a big kiss.
But I really want to create a sitcom, girls got some stoooorrries!

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Timeline of our Children Marked by Monsters

by All that makes you · 1 comment

Sincerely heartbroken that the timeline of our children’s childhoods is marked forever by the actions of monsters.

As I read the first breaking news I hoped it was not a bomb and was saddened by the fact that it probably was.

Tragedies that marked my childhood, it seems, were indeed tragedies and not horrific acts of cowards.

I can only try to raise three men who know that violence is never acceptable.

Mental illness, problems with background checks, loose gun control, poor international relations, it doesn’t matter about any policies when there is evil about.

Bowing head in thanks that not more people were killed. Screaming inside that fear sits in the corners of my mind when teaching my children to live and embrace our entire world.

While I reassure my little boys that the airplane we are on will not crash into a building, I really am lying to them.

I am lying to myself that we are indeed sheltered from the sickness that causes people to hurt innocents.

I am crying that I will continue to lie to my family while telling them that we are not going to die. I am trying to teach them how to live.

Abbie Gale
allthatmakesyou.com

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Red is the New March and How it Made Us All Modern Hippies

by All that makes you · 2 comments

As I see folks avatars changing back to their regular and best version of themselves out here in the great big world of social media I switched over to see what was going on in my private and personal, very personal, and small circle of family and friends. My inner, inner circle where they know me the way people know you when you have sat beside each other at weddings, funerals and held each others babies and shared dinners in each other’s homes.

I found a young man whom I am family with, but not by “real” blood, but related by other family. He had posted some surprising words.

Surprising words to me as I have known him since he was born.

He is smart and talented and now a dad himself.

He said he is “kind of sick of hearing about the marriage equality issue.”

He went onto say that there are far more relevant things that are happening now. He mentioned the sad and dire conditions Americans are facing and said this is just a non issue to him.

He was kind. He wasn’t against marriage equality or for it. It just didn’t matter to him he said.

He said he was sick of seeing everyone talking about it, the red avatars staring at him.

I thought, perhaps I should just let it go.

He is a young man. He is a new father of a little girl.

One day he will figure it out, why people are painting Facebook red.

Red is the new "March"

I’m a blogger.

I am just now using that phrase regularly. I didn’t know what it really meant. What it meant TO ME.

I am learning though.

When the state I live in decided they wanted to put on the books that marriage was defined as between a man and a woman I had just began blogging.

I blogged about it because that was how I dealt with it. I was blogging back then without telling people. I was afraid of the backlash and the judgement.

Actually, I wrote a letter to a mom who I knew who was asking for support for the “Gay Marriage Amendment” and on her Facebook page she stated she was “praying.”

I wrote to her and to others and I threw it out into the world online, to the people who did not know me. The people who have never shared a meal with me. Who didn’t know if I was straight or gay. I shared it and I decided that this is what blogging meant to me.

Here is my post if you haven’t read it:

Dear Parent’s Who Do Not Think All Americans Should Have the The Same Rights,

Social media is our “march” for those of us who are home with our children or writing and reading on our lunch breaks.

  • Blogging is our “sit-in” instead of physically blocking city hall .
  • We are painting our personal “billboards” with our ideas.
  • The screen or page or phone is now how we express ideas and share thoughts and try to make a change.

You don’t participate in social media and expect it to be one sided.

I decided that I care about this young man more that to just ignore his words or “like” to let him know I read them.

I decided he took the time to share his thoughts for a reason, and he didn’t disable comments for a reason, and I felt compelled to reply.

I wrote to a young man, who I knew had grown up in the age of technology and instant sharing. He has been educated and perhaps calloused with the “idea brigade” that is constantly being beaten against the back of our laptops, trying to reach through the glass and find people to agree with us, or argue with us.

Here is what I wrote. I now put on my blog so that one day my own children might read and know that their mom participated in bringing about change.

Dear Friend, perhaps marriage equality isn’t relevant to you now.  That is because you are young and may exercise all the rights that all Americans have. What if your daughter told you one day she was in love, the person had matching private parts and despite paying taxes and into her benefits at her job she can’t share her life fully with the person that she wants to marry, but may not.

There are always events that will be more dire. Is there anything I can do about the two bombers the US sent from Missouri to Korea? No, but I can help stop Americans trying to take away the rights of other Americans. I am thankful that when we had dire times in this country, and there have been MANY, people still stopped and said, “It is bull$hit blacks cannot sit at the lunch counter to eat.”

This is happening now. This is YOUR generations history and frankly, I am excited for it.

I am excited that your generation will be the very first to treat love, as love, and a relationship, as a relationship.

You know, people are talking in social media because it’s our “sit in” or “march” and it’s what we do now and I think its beautiful and I am proud to be part of it.

It is what makes us, American…and right in the world.

You will see as your daughter grows how passionate you will become to make policies fair.

Sorry, but in my own social media stuff I am seeing tons of it and when I flipped over here, to my personal page I was surprised to see a young man with this opinion. You probably just inspired another blog post.

 

Abbie Gale at “All That Makes You…”

allthatmakesyou.com

File this one under “THINK”

Abbie Gale allthatmakesyou.com

Abbie can be reached at abbie.gale@allthatmakesyou.com

Twitter: allthatmakesyou

Facebook page: All That Makes You

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Stephen King’s Mom Would Have Been Cool With It

April 12, 2013

Tonight our little guy has been walking back and fourth through the house and each time he passes he has on more camo and gear. I’m just waiting to see what this is about. “I need a camera man” “Can you record screaming sounds over video I tape?” “I might need to turn Lilly into [...]

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There Was Biting to Begin With

April 2, 2013

We came, he caught, he tamed and he named. Meet John Daly. his new pet green anole. Trip to Texas successful! We will be coming home with a new pet (we could have bought for 6 bucks at Petsmart.) The little lizard was not so happy when he caught him. He wouldn’t let go! Peter [...]

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April Fools or Just Any Normal Day Here

April 1, 2013

Some people have their photos on their computer categorized by titles such as… Vacation Baseball Dance Performances Here are some of the photo file names on my computer… WTF Critters Costumes Adventure Seriously? Peter Thinks This Stupid Now today, a very special day in a home of three boys, I shall reflect and share with [...]

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Happy Easter From Me and the Colored Chicks!

March 31, 2013

We are having a Texas Easter and I thought I would share one of our cute Easter stories. And yes, there are NEON baby chicks! I don’t care if they are politically incorrect. They are as cute as can be! Story link here: Colored Chicks Banned from Country Club I want to give you a [...]

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