Yet another awesome moment for me as I love to provide entertainment for my friends in real time and then share them with my friends online.
Last night we went to a dinner party at our club, but really they sat tables up around the pool and tennis courts. It was a beautiful night. Perfect weather, they had live music and ice sculptures and shrimp cocktail, prime rib and even nachos.
You know that based on what I have said I must be beginning another story that includes an awkward Abbie moment. You so wont be disappointed. I went to this shindig knowing I was dressed up and in close proximity to water. This is why I walked ten feet away from the side of any pool. I know I have a mark on my head with these men. Any one of them would gain tremendous satisfaction of being the guy who tossed Abbie into the pool with her giant orange patent leather espadrille, wedge, platform shoes.
Here is the real deal. I can barely swim. I grew up with a 12 foot deep pool in my backyard and I still sink. I would not be able to swim at all with these giant wrap around and buckle orange cones around my ankles, they really are cute.
Here is my sweet niece in my Zulily orange summer shoes. She liked them enough she wanted her picture taken in them. We had so much fun playing with clothes when she came this summer.
Now mix in the fact that I have an undiscovered genetic disorder that makes me gasp for air when I am underwater and it would have been a trifecta of embarrassment when I sank to the bottom of the pool while holding my nose. There would be clapping and cheering while no one noticed I drowned.
They all “owe me one” for various stunts I have done to them, (read about me tipping over their canoes during river trip last month) and I know I have it coming but it cannot be in a pool during dinner and an ambulance call. That would be really embarrassing. Not as embarrassing as when I tackled one of the husbands on the golf course and put him in a headlock, in front of his wife and other men, (I am 5′ 3″) because he ran off with my golf cart key. I have told you, I am Monica Geller.
Here I am taking my picture with my teams winning score in golf.
There are probably more people that would like to toss me in that pool.
I didn’t even realize how easily I could outdo my pool fear in my head, and all alone while just standing. But I did.
Jim asked me to walk up into the tennis pavilion to take a look and help him pick out some golf shoes. The tennis pavilion is like a raised square gazebo. The golf shop set up a little display and the men were getting their party loot or swag.
I wasn’t really interested and he was trying on shoes and not listening to me when I said to pick out the cool looking ones. He was trying on the ones that looked like ever other pair he wears.
I am standing in the middle off all these tables with my super cute orange giant shoes that I knew ROCKED when one of our friends looked at them and said, “No one told me there would be hookers here.” I told him he was jealous and that if he was nice I would let him borrow them as I am sure he wears the same size as me.
Karma, Karma, Karma. As I am standing there and looking so sassy and smart in my
hooker sandals I am holding a vodka-cranberry that I have not yet drank and I have my legs crossed at my ankles. Suddenly! an earthquake shook the tennis pavilion and a drunk golfer shoulder checked me.
OK, none of that happened. Go back to legs crossed at ankles. Giant platform heels, little girl (me) rocking ankle because she is bored looking at golf shoes that all look-alike because her husband is making her. Karma. My one ankle rolls but because my legs are crossed it sends my other leg off-center. I am holding my first FULL cup with ice and cocktail so I am concentrating on not spilling. As I am trying to correct my shift in center I yell, “oooohhh! OOO!” and then “AAAAHHHHHH” then you hear WAAAHHBBUMMPP!!! when my feet flew up higher that my waist and I land on my right tush SO HARD I roll up to my shoulder. There is cocktail and ice that rained down like ticker-tape to all four corners of the tennis shop turned golf store. I am laying on the ice and drink and in my white skirt with legs in the air and they are, of course, finally uncrossed. I look around and I have a circle of men around me looking down. One of them announced “Jim, at least she is wearing underwear tonight!”
I know Jim. His face tells me his instinct is to run like he doesn’t know me. It is like the time we were facing a skunk and he pushed me forward and ran in the house. But he didn’t, he helped pull my embarrassed butt up. He was impressed with how NOT graceful my Olympic falling moment was. I think that gets you more points in the falling Olympics. I am a gold winner!!!
I have a sore right hip today. I have ANOTHER “stupid Abbie story” and I have to go figure out what I did to pi$$ off Karma and make it right.
Really though I am so happy I didn’t get tossed in the pool, white skirt and pink underwear.
Have you had an epic fall? This one may tie with my bowling alley fall. I love telling that story! Wearing Other People’s Ugly Shoes. Ok, Wearing Other Peoples Ugly Shoes is funnier. Have you read both and which do you think is funnier?
Abbie Gale, allthatmakesyou.com
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I was waiting so hard for you to get dunked in the pool that I never saw the spilled-drink-on-myself twist coming. Well played, Abbie, well played.
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Kristen Daukas says
Sweet baby Jeebus I am so grateful that I have only rolled my feet in my “fun” shoes with NO ONE around. How did I get so lucky?? But sister if you are going to do it with your feet to the skies, at least you did it in some stylish, orange shoes!! It’s like you’re saying “look at my AWESOME shoes y’all!!”! Can’t wait to meet you tomorrow!
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Julie Catherine says
Love the pink underwear with the orange platform shoes! LOL! Abbie, there’s just never a dull moment where you are! Hahahaha … you do realize that falling into water is much softer than landing on the hard ground though, right? Oh, I forgot, you’re waterphobic … sorry … but this was just too funny! Thanks for the laugh to start my weekend! 🙂 xox
All that makes you says
Never, ever a dull moment. I am happy it wasn’t a story about falling in the water! Thanks and the orange shoes, tres chic and a bargain at $16.99. 😉
Lorna's Voice says
I’m reading Jenny Larsen’s memoir, “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened.” Your mishaps sound a lot like hers. She’s a blogger, too. The similarities are as hilarious as they are eerie! 🙂
All that makes you says
I started reading on the plane when I went to NYC. I read a few of her blog posts and felt like we shared VERY similar experiences. Ha ha! I have recommended her book to people and they loved it and here I am only a few chapters in. Since I started blogging I have barely been reading books. I downloaded it onto my Kindle account and my dad in NC read it, (remember my story why I haven’t read Fifty SHades of Grey, because he reads everything I download on the Kindle we got him last year) anyway, he LOVED it. Now he recommends it to people!
I am sure there are many people with similar circumstances. Some are dead. Some are in therapy. Some are in the crazy house. Some are too embarrassed to share. Some don’t think it is funny. 🙂
Marty Coleman, The Napkin Dad says
I think this one is the funniest because it involves pink underwear, which is always humorous.
All that makes you says
Well, I have been waiting to post my story about my smoke and mirrors that hides my granny panties. Ha ha! Is it better if you buy them in color then? ha ha!