There Was Biting to Begin With

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We came, he caught, he tamed and he named.

Meet John Daly. his new pet green anole.

Trip to Texas successful! We will be coming home with a new pet (we could have bought for 6 bucks at Petsmart.)

The little lizard was not so happy when he caught him. He wouldn’t let go! Peter was giggling,
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I am not going to hurt you little buddy.

Will someone please say something nice about me when they interview people who knew the woman who smuggled John Daly in her purse on a flight.
BTW, he turns many bright colors, like John Daly.
He will be roommates with Rory McIlroy, the eastern fence lizard.
He will be kept far away from Bubba Watson the bearded dragon. Bubba would make them lunch and dinner.

Anyone want to get a manicure with me? I need a little girl time!

Abbie Gale

The Girl Who Cried Redbook (but I am really in this months issue, REALLY!)

Me, (nervously texting husband Jim at his doctors office)

“Ummmm.  We are in Redbook this month.  Don’t kill me.”

Were in Redbook

A very long period of time goes by.  

I even gave him allowances in case he was resuscitating someone.

My mind wandered that he was so mad he was on his way home and I may need resuscitating.

I decide to call him.

After three rings he answers but there is no “hello” but instead he is wheezing.

I say, “Are you ok?  Did you get my text?”

He talks in Wheeze-talk which eventually turns into laugh-talking.

“Yes, Oh my word.  It’s so funny.  I pulled it up on my phone and I was showing the nurses and they don’t believe me.  They think you Photoshopped it.”

This is what happens when your wife has a reputation.

I have a Photoshop reputation.

It’s a hobby, (or my husband calls it, a distraction to keep me from filling his drawers with clean clothes.)

I call it “art” and “humor.”

I am expressing myself.

I can’t paint anything but walls in a room.

I can’t sing, despite filling the space around me with wretched attempts.

I can however, duplicate a picture of you doing something as innocent as you licking an ice cream and impose your profile onto a a picture of you licking other friends ears.

I might slap a witty caption, (I always think I am witty) like, “Now we know why her house is always so clean.”

Sometimes my friends just have it coming.

If you call me in the middle of the day and tell me there is a giant lizard in the backyard and I go out in the rain and fog to see what you are describing as, “A big a$$ lizard.  Like as big as us!”

While we are both standing on our decks, I have assembled my mignons as well because finding a Kimodo Dragon in the backyard warrants us being the coolest people in little boys eyes, (even though we would be moving soon.)

Then my kids and I are agreeing she is talking about a log.  I have her on the phone and my poor boys are looking at me like, these poor old, crazy, blind, moms are sooooo stupid.  Then I have to tell you it’s just a log.

My pity for your bad eyesight is short lived as I immediately begin to think of what it would REALLY look like to have a Komodo Dragon in our yard.

You can just expect photographs surfacing of a Komodo Dragon hanging out in the neighborhood and me posting the sightings on my Facebook page.

I will let you explain when people start commenting on my Facebook page.

I am ten years older than you so I can bust your chops that your vision is worse than mine.

Of course, I let my children investigate each time another “sighting” was reported.  This keeps them busy as I am always looking for things to keep my three boys busy.

They deduced their mom was the culprit and then questioned whether or not they are actually my children or if I Photoshopped them as babies with me in the hospital.

But we really, really are in Februaries Redbook.

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Eau Spa Redbook

I have been taking pictures of the magazine when I come across.

I mean, how often will I be in a national magazine?  

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 He tells everyone he is on the “hot husbands” page. I told you he is funny.

I did make the front page of my local paper today but I will save that for another story.

So here is the thing.  I was interviewed by the reporter and my husband immediately turned into a turd, (or I did, I don’t know) and I almost HOMICIDED him!  Wouldn’t that have been awesome?  So I would have made the FRONT page of a magazine if I was doling out marriage advice and then pushed Jim off the roof while putting up Christmas lights?  Oh, that’s right…I couldn’t push him off the roof because it was ME PUTTING THEM UP.

The good news is that by the time they printed it he transformed into a normal husband again, (and the stress of the holidays and our fundraiser were over.)

With that, I count my blessings that I was NOT on the front of a magazine, but instead inside.

Have you ever been in a magazine?  What was it for?  Were you bad?  I thought for sure I would make a magazine one day but it would be for like “what not to wear” or “mother missing after making mayor cry” kind of story.

If you need any advice, remember my name is Abbie…Dear Abbie.  I like to tell people what to do.

Now get your fingers clicking because I may have mentioned if I make it into the “Circle of Moms” top 25 funniest mom blogs I would take a picture of my freaky cup-holder-belly-button and you would NOT want to miss that.  Especially if you do not value your eye sight, (that’s right read it again.)

You can vote one a day and there is only a week left.

Get clicking!

Vote here for Abbie at Circle of Moms

It is easy, just a click.  PLLLLEEEAAASEE.

I am going to go do crunches.

Who am I kidding?

Abbie Gale at allthatmakesyou.com

Like and subscribe to my Facebook pageAll That Makes You
Twitter @allthatmakesyou
Email me at: allthatmakesyousmile@gmail.com
PS If you are a publisher or producer email me and I will give you my phone number. If you are Child Protective Services email me and I will give you the phone number of someone I don’t like. If you want to come and help me fold clothes and put them away I will give you my address and a big kiss.

You might like…

You May see me on a Walmart People Website

I know it looks like I am a stripper but the wig is actually my husbands.

And if you do, you’re a freak. I hope you pee your pants laughing at my expense.

 

 

Ridiculous Resolution to Seize the Monkey!

I despise resolutions.

If I knew I needed to change something  about myself, and luckily I don’t as every year I get more perfect(ly imperfect) I know I would realize my flaw on or around January 20th.

Knowing myself, I would “shelf” my personal “remodel” until January 1, of the next year because that is when we are supposed to.

I am very self aware and am positive I would forget my planned resolution and then not ever improve my person.

That doesn’t mean I don’t learn a lesson here or there.

I learned a big lesson in 2012 and I want to share it with you in hopes that you might learn from my own opportunities lost.

Seize the monkey!

That’s right.  Opportunities to go monkey hunting, practically in your backyard ,do not come by very often.

Sadly, I let my once in a lifetime opportunity pass me by.  

I let the chance to set up a monkey hunting base in our yard for my boys to track the sightings pass me by because I was an hour away in the mountains on a trip with the family.

I thought staying in the cabin was the right thing to do despite my gut telling me to throw everyone back into the suburban and buy a case of beef jerky on the way home to sustain us until our new adventure was over.

I have lived with regret since last summer after hearing there was a top secret lab that does animal testing just a few miles from our home, and that one of their “subjects” had escaped. 

Officers track escaped monkey in treetops near Clemmons - Winston-Salem Journal  Local News  p, news, breaking, local, winston_salem-210158

It was all over the news.  It was news that I actually wanted to keep up with.  It was my kids “moon landing.”  It was what we Googled on our phones to see if they found him yet.

We weren’t sure if we were cheering on the people attempting to rescue him or if we were cheering on the monkey.

The mountains have been there for millions of years and this monkey running wild in the trees would only be there until someone caught it.

It should have been us.

Tarzan Vine Swinging

I have three boys that think they are Tom Sawyer, Huck Finn and Turtle Man.  We could have totally found the monkey and named him a real name instead of a number.   We could have secretly kept him in our mini zoo that we are already running.  

Catch and ReleaseHere is Peter with the squirrel he caught in 45 minutes (and released just after picture.)

We could have been like the family that admitted years later that they staged all the Bigfoot pictures.  But we could have had a REAL monkey to love and diaper and take Instagram pictures of under an alias and have hundreds of thousands of followers because Maynerd is such a ham.

Talking to the Animals

He was our pet monkey we rescued from the big evil testing lab.

Which do you think my kids would have remember twenty years from now?

Would they remembered another trip to the mountains or would they have remembered how awesome their mom was that she hung maps with pins of where the monkey has been seen, let them stay up past their bedtime shining lights into the trees and singing, “Hey, Hey We’re the Monkeys” with a banana on a string?  

Catching Frogs on hot summer night

Wouldn’t they have just found it sweet that I even wanted to go monkey hunting?

Setting Traps

Seizing the opportunity to do something that silly would have been a family story for years to come, whether we were successful or not and chances are we wouldn’t have been.

But instead we stayed and all I remember of the trip was talking about the monkey, the monkey we didn’t go after.

2013  and beyond, hear me now and believe me when I say if anything else runs away within walking distance of our home, (and it cannot eat us) we will come after you with a vengeance in the name of Maynard the macaque.

Bear Hunting at School

Abbie Gale at allthatmakesyou.com

Like and subscribe to my Facebook pageAll That Makes You
Twitter @allthatmakesyou
Email me at: allthatmakesyousmile@gmail.com
PS If you are a publisher or producer email me and I will give you my phone number. If you are Child Protective Services email me and I will give you the phone number of someone I don’t like. If you want to come and help me fold clothes and put them away I will give you my address and a big kiss.
You might enjoy these stories and they prove we could have TOTALLY given that monkey a run for his money.

 

1.Signs You May Be Raising Huck Finn, Tom Sawyer or a Mark Twain Character

 

Therapist for Mothers of Boys

I’m just now getting into shower because washing machine is broken (!!!!!) and repair guy will be here in a few minutes. I would like to wash the cricket, worm guts, lizard and frog germs off of me. I feed baby crickets to raise into big crickets and then I feed baby crickets to red eyed tree frog and big crickets to lizards.

Do you have any idea how bad collard greens smell when food processed to freeze?

Yes, I am processing and freezing collard greens for lizards.

I need a mother of boys therapist.

Here is Bubba Watson our pet Bearded Dragon.

See his full little tummy?  Full of collard greens, strawberries, carrots, peas, crickets and meal worms.

He is the sweetest thing and not to be confused with the golfer.

Would anyone be interested in seeing the Christmas decor I have been working on between sacrificing small insects to my kids pets?

Does anyone have pictures already posted? Would you mind leaving a link in the comments so I can take a look?

It’s like driving around and looking at people’s houses without having to have three boys in a giant wrestle ball held down by seat belts and without my husband threatening to be made to “pull over!”

You May See Me on a “Walmart People” Website

If you know me…at all…you know I would rather swim in acid than exercise at the YMCA or go to Walmart.

Our 13 year olds have heard of this “Black Friday” and begged all day for us to go see the people camping and fighting, like everyone on television was talking about.

Jim and I had given up and after a flight from Detroit to Charlotte we pulled over into a Walmart to show them nothing is going on at 9:30pm on Black Friday.
I decided to hit the grocery aisle so I don’t have to run out the next day and get milk and bread and a few other things.
Here is what happened while I was in the aisle next to where I am standing in this picture.
Me with collard greens for Bubba Watson, our pet bearded dragon and egg noodles for stroganoff.
Ok, I’m bending over getting egg noodles. I look rough.
I have layers on for the airplane and a random scarf to be used for either a coat, pillow or to hang myself if we get stuck on the tarmac for more than 45 minutes.
Rough enough I’m only willing to show you my shoulder in the picture.
A gentleman approaches me, stops, looks me up an down.
I make eye contact and smile. I can’t help it. It’s a reflex from working retail forever.
He says, “Mmmmm, m, mmmm”
I smile again at him but more of the smile a toddler makes when they are pooping their diaper.
He says, “You married?”
I say, (in a very surprising exasperated tone which I cannot explain) “Oh yes. Yep. Married.”
He says in awesome Chef from South Park voice, “We’ll that’s a damn shame. Your a fiiinnne lady. Uh-huh.”
I smile now in the franken-smile that is square. The one you make when the picture taker at school says “smile.”
As I round the aisle, the very one I’m writing this down from, I’m thinking…
Maybe I could stop by The Walmart once in a while. 
I am still not giving into the YMCA, which is probably why said gentleman thinks I’m fine. Baby “got back” I’m afraid.
Smart people shop at the Walmart outside of Charlotte.

Eight years ago I walked into our local grocery store.

I, as always, smile while walking past people who are walking out.  I can’t help it.  I was raised in family businesses and later customer service and sales and it is just how I am wired.

I do all of my shopping and as I am leaving the store the man I passed, when he was walking out, walks back in and hands me a bouquet of flowers.

I was a bit taken aback.  I also am AWESOME at wearing my emotions on my face so I am sure I was looking at him like he was nuts.

He said he walked past me and was struck and thought he wanted to talk to me and so he went back in and bought me flowers and was waiting to catch me on the way out.

I looked down at my ring finger.

I said, “That is so sweet.  REALLY.”

I pointed to my ring finger and said, “I don’t have my wedding ring on…”

Now I opened up my jacket to reveal my pregnant belly where Peter was growing and hunkering down prepared to not EVER exit.

“…Because I am pregnant and swollen.”

Then I told him that it was awesome that he bought flowers and took a chance like that.

I told him I appreciated it and that he made my day.

I told him to go give the flowers to his mother and that he should do it again to another woman and even again if he has to, because a good SINGLE girl is out there who would be so flattered.

He is lucky I was already married because, it turns out I am bossy and opinionated with all of the advice I was giving out.  He totally dodged a bullet that day.

PS I also had a woman compliment my purse at Walmart.  Have I found my people?  Am I a Walmart person and I didn’t know it?  OMG will I show up on one of those Walmart people websites?

Follow me by subscribing.  I hate talking to myself.

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