My kids are Auditioning for Jacka$$ 2023 Edition, EVERY DAY

Well, here is the story about probably the most inappropriate thing that was ever said in a Build-A-Bear.

Because what my funny kids did to me there ten years ago apparently wasn’t embarrassing enough.

Because my kids are auditioning for Jacka$$ 2023, EVERYDAY.

Our youngest has had a bunny from Build-A-Bear since before he was born.

When I was pregnant with him I took our four year-old twins to build “the baby in Mamma’s belly” a stuffed animal to bring to the hospital.

It was a very sweet day.

But you aren’t here for that.

The “embarrass Abbie moment” is coming up.

First, you have to see I am TRYING to raise good and normal boys.

Trying.

They made a wish for their little brother while holding the little red Build-A-Bear hearts.

They gave them a kiss and the two hearts were sewn up into the bunny.

When Peter began talking he named his bunny, well…Bunny.

After the lady at the store filled the bunny up with fluff the big boys went to bathe and brush the bunny. If you have ever been at a Build -A-Bear you know there is a fake bathtub that is really a table that looks like a cartoon bathtub and instead of spraying water it shoots air to fluff up your new friends fur.

Build-A-Bear Bunny

Cute right?

Until I looked over and one of my twins was LAYING ON THE FAKE BATHTUB while his brother was giggle screaming blasting him in the face with the air nozzle.

No.  There are no pictures of that.  I was too busy wobbling over to stop them.  Remember, the child came out 10 1/2 pounds which is why I wrote “My Bellybutton is Now a Cupholder.” Click this for THAT “funny” story (at my expense again)

So we laughed for a few years about that and our youngest really begins to love his “Bunny.”

Bunny Love Collage

He loves it so much that when he turns two he wants a “new” bunny that he names New Bunny.

Adorable, right?

Eventually there is a birthday party at the store for a friend and he picks out…you guessed it, a NEW “New Bunny!”

For all these  years the trio of amigos sleep with him every night.  They go on trips in suitcases and they are well loved.

For being a tough guy, he is shameless about having his bunnies with him.

He also spends a great deal of time putting them into situations where “kill the bunny” would be an appropriate title.   The kid has issues to work through with having two big brothers beating him down all day.

Embarrassing

When I found Bunny in this “situation” I feared Peter had found a copy of “Fifty Shades of Grey” so I wrote a little ditty called “Poor Husbands and their Wives’ Naughty Books” and you can read that by clicking HERE and read the funny about the Bethenny Frankel show calling me about that piece HERE.

Flash forward ten years and we are at the mall Saturday buying the big boys new tennis shoes.

Peter is being patient  but does ask to go into Build-A-Bear.

If you have a youngest child, that means you know you are done having babies these things are bitter sweet.

This was probably going to be the last time any of my kids will want to go into that store.

Even his big brothers recognized it.

He asked to get another bunny.

Love.

I said yes.

All choked up.  All of my three boys there.  All.  Choked.  Up.

His big brothers and I talked about when they laid onto the bathtub and how their little brother’s first bunny has two hearts inside instead of one.

Build-A-Bear Fun

We stuffed his new bunny and went to the register to pay in a long line, the kind of line the store only has on a Saturday.

It was our turn.

The young girl smiles big and leans in and asks sweetly,

“Does your new bunny have a name?”

I am waiting for the “New, New, New Bunny” reply when his raspy little voice next to me says,

 

“Herbert…”

All I can think to do is dive into the imaginary fox hole cartoon style because I know what is coming next and judging by the looks on his brothers faces, they would be jumping in that fox hole right next to me.

We all know what “Herbert’s” last name is in our house.  Herbert is the guy from “Family Guy.”

Actually, as soon as “Herbert” was said one of the twins RAN out of the store.

I was making the “Nooooooooo….!” face mixed with the poop face.

He says,

“Herbert!  Herbert the Pervert!”

Herbert The Pervert

You know this guy…

Family Guy’s Herbert the Pervert

I am now making the squinty eyes smile face at the sweet sales girl.

The sweet 20 something year old  know now she must have flunked out of teachers school sales girl says,

“Well, I guess you won’t be sleeping with HIM tonight!”

(wink wink)

I instantly wanted to high five her.

Like jump up and give her the “we women unite against these smart as$ed boys” high five!

I also strangely wanted to high five my own little smart as$ed little boy because he did that thing his mamma does that makes me, his mamma, giggle.

I like to say things to make someone uncomfortable and keep a straight face.

You know like the time the twins stuck their heads in the urinals at preschool.

YOU KNOW!

When I told the teachers that I dunk their heads in the toilet when they have an accident to try and explain WHY my kids would dip their hair in the school urinals.

JUST GO READ THIS AND IT IS WAYYYYY FUNNIER THAN THIS, but come back, ok?

His timing.  The pause and then the straight, matter of fact delivery of “Herbert.  Herbert the Pervert” with not a smirk in his freckled little face just made me think that they did indeed give me the right baby back after they cleaned all the baby juices off of him that day he was born.  I am still a little dazed after giving birth to DOUBLE DIGITS, AGAIN!

He not only meant to deliver uncomfortableness to this poor sweet girl, he was trying to embarrass his brothers and me in front of this giant line of folks.

My tag line on my blog and Twitter and Facebook and all my accounts is usually something along the lines of, “Abbie Gale is a writer & humorist at AllThatMakesYou.com while raising the next cast of Jacka$$ while married to a Dr who asks her to cover her cleavage as it reminds him of work…”

I am not kidding folks.  

My life is a sitcom.

I burst into squeals between the sales girls response and the fact that my nine year-old pimped his brother to the point he sprinted out of the store and he was also able to keep a straight face when I was reacting to just, “Herbert.”

It was a fine line to not draw attention and get the gal fired…

(for being awesome and then I would have to hire her to correct my punctuation on my blog but we would be fast best friends because she is awesome, like me, the farm animal incubator)

…and still let her know that she rocked dishing it right back to my little stinker.

Yes, little tear in my eye when I realized our Build-A-Bear family circle started and ended in a ten year span, at the very same store where it all began.

Who would have ever thought two little boys, that almost made me run out of that very same store ten years ago while they crawled onto the “bathtub”, would eventually be running out embarrassed their little brother was telling the store clerk that he didn’t name his bunny “New New New Bunny” but instead “Herbert the Pervert.”

Proud.  Mom.  Moment.

Also I am pretty sure we are on a “no serve” list at “The Bear” after this one.

I am ok with it.  I have a vacation home spent on Build-A-Bears.

Abbie Gale
allthatmakesyou.com
Abbie Gale at allthatmakesyou.com

Like and subscribe to my Facebook page (I am on there all day): All That Makes You
Twitter @allthatmakesyou on Twitter" href="https://twitter.com/allthatmakesyou" target="_blank">@allthatmakesyou
Follow me Instagram: (where I hang out): allthatmakesyou
Email me at: allthatmakesyousmile at gmail dot com
PS If you are a publisher or producer email me and I will give you my phone number. If you are Child Protective Services email me and I will give you the phone number of someone I don’t like. If you want to come and help me fold clothes and put them away I will give you my address and a big kiss.
I also Sell Rodan and Fields skin care products and if there is anything I can help you with to make you feel better about how you look please let me know.
Rodan and Fields Amp Relaunch
When I look good I feel good.
Click on the picture above to learn more about devises and products you can order to use in your own home.
You might enjoy these stories and further proof the kids are all NUTS, (and they might get it from me.)

House “Guests” and Other Nonsense

“It is best to simply try and not think of the missing lizard when you are visiting our home.”

This was me practicing how to break the news that a lizard is missing in our house before our guests arrived in 30 minutes.

Oh, I should add…

“In the grand scenario of things, the lizard probably escaped out of the window we discovered WIDE open and that we determined had been open for three weeks, back when the ball was on the roof.

Don’t look at me all Judgy Judy as if I have time to check all of the 37 windows every day, which is what a mother of three boys would have to do.

I would worry far more about what could have slithered or crawled IN that window.”

Yeah, that is effective.

If I had daughter we would be discussing who brought their rainbow looms and what nail polish colors are in style.

You see our friends that are coming have two lovely demure daughters.

We would be Instagramming our nails with ponies painted on them if we had three girls instead of three boys.

The friends came and no surprise that the reptiles showed up for the party too.
You may not count Peter sneaking up behind my girlfriend, who was sitting on the couch relaxing, and dropping a snake on her.
You cannot count that because frankly coming into our home you should expect THAT to happen.
My friends weakness though is spiders.
My boys fantasize about create a flying spider, just to torment Mrs. C.
Ok, I would fund THAT grant because if I am going to have all boys I can at least enjoy the mayhem and hilarity that would come from her having a flying spiders after her.
She is a “slow blinker” and I explain what that means HERE in the post called “Two Broke(n) Girls.”
I need a moment just to envision her running and fast blinking.  I love to torment her and since I cannot just walk to her house and leave a bloody handprint on her front door since she moved, I can dream of genetically modifying a spider to fly and chase her.  I did send her a candle last year as a house warming and put a plastic spider under the jar lid for her to find while smelling.
I have no idea why I have ANY friends at all.  They are all masochists.
Silly Girlfriends
Ok, back to the missing green anole.
Here is the thing, anoles are not very nice.
They breed them to sell to be fed to bigger lizards.
When you are born to be  sold and then turned into someone else’s meal it makes you bitter.
Here is a green anole biting Peter when he caught it on vacation.  He is not green because he is not happy!
Bad Pets
You know what makes you really bitter?  When you bite someone and they cannot feel it because you are such a little runt.
Peter was laughing at him while I took the picture.
It is a cruel, cruel world.
Here is the little fellow once Peter quickly “tamed” him.
Good Pets
Yes, I live with “Nature Boy” and frankly he should have an animal blog because he is an animal genius.
This green anole was let go before we left Texas on an airplane.
Are we the only people that have kids that catch a “vacation pet” to keep a week in a hotel room?
WHAT!  You don’t bring your kids on vacation with you?!
There I was today cleaning out the cages of “Nature Boys” critters and giving them warm baths.
You read that right.
Giving.  Reptiles.  Baths.
Big Baby Bubba the Bearded Dragon
This is Bubba Watson and SHE is begging me to let her out and give her a warm bath.
People, this is what my life has come to!
I used to be a little bit cool.
I now bathe lizards, not to make them smell good, but to help them poop people!
Dogs and Lizards
“Mom, Bubba Watson* needs a warm bath again!  She smells constipated.”
Said by our very patient labradoodle.
*Lizard was named while she was too small to tell if she was a boy or girl.
So I am misting the hermit crab cage  with water because who would have thought they breathe with gills and need the air moist or they will suffocate and feeding the snake crickets, which by the way Peter tells me we should be so happy to be raising because crickets are at the very bottom of the food chain.
That is right.
I am a operating a cricket house of sin.  We have a thousand or so chirping crickets in a tote and I am letting them “get it on.”
They are only sexually mature enough to start laying eggs when they are chirping.
They need a heating pad for the tubs of dirt where the eggs hatch.
A little Norah Jones and a bottle of cabernet.
Ok, well that is for me so I CANNOT HEAR THE CRICKETS CHIRPING!
Want to know what is worse than a THOUSAND chirping crickets in your house?
The fact that they smell like a chicken coop!
Peter tells me that if say, the Zombie Apocalypse happens, then we could sustain ourselves on these crickets, (which I remind you again, smell like chicken poop.)
We are so smart and fortunate.  Right?
Back to today in what was supposed to be called “the school room” but the boys actually call “the reptile room” I was all stinky and had all eyes on me while each critter awaited its spa time when I noticed under the missing anoles cage a gray, thing.
Oh no.  How long had it been dead?  Do I tell Peter or just let him continue to think he did escape out of the window?  Ugh, I hate touching dead things and especially dead pets.
I picked up the cage and the little guy was stretched out horizontally with his arms and legs balled up.  He was still and I could see every little bone in its shrunken skin,  I thought I could push him off the table onto a piece of paper.
When I poked he just was stiff, but he blinked?
I decided to quickly pick him up and warm him with my hand.
I started a warm bath to rehydrate him.
I held the little guy in my hand and let the water trickle over.
Then I found a couple of tiny crickets and I dipped them in water before hand feeding him.
A few drops of water in his mouth at a time and then I put him right back into the cage he was trying to get back into and I turned on his UVB light and basking light.
About an hour later I took a video to send the twins, who are in Washington DC with a school trip, to show them who I found.
It is amazing how strong the will to live is, even in a rotten little lizard.
I think he loves me now.
Bad Pet is Sorry
A friend said it looks like he is smiling.  I told her no.  He was probably trying to figure out how to bite me while I kept feeding it and petting it.
He will be trying to dart out of his cage soon enough.
Keep in mind he was being sold in a pet store as a feeder lizard and so my littlest guy feels like he rescued him.
Peter was so happy after school.
I used to be cool but now I am “cool mom”, (who smells like a chicken coop and spends her days helping constipated lizards.)
What is the weirdest pet you have ever had?
Growing up it was hard to tell what was a pet and what was going to be dinner but we never, ever had a reptile!
We might have if it could have been bacon.
I cannot believe I have the chicken coop smell without a stinkin chicken and we always had about 250 a year.  I know what a chicken coop smells like!
I now know what a chicken coop smells like in my house.
Thank goodness for isolated golf cart garages down in the basement or as I like to call it, the chicken coop.

Abbie Gale
allthatmakesyou.com
Abbie Gale at allthatmakesyou.com

Like and subscribe to my Facebook pageAll That Makes You
Twitter @allthatmakesyou
Email me at: allthatmakesyousmile@gmail.com
PS If you are a publisher or producer email me and I will give you my phone number. If you are Child Protective Services email me and I will give you the phone number of someone I don’t like. If you want to come and help me fold clothes and put them away I will give you my address and a big kiss.
You might enjoy these stories and further proof the kids are all NUTS, (and they might get it from me.)

Fun Fools in the Name of Hospice, Our Fundraiser Ideas

I spent HOURS making an iMovie for me to lip sync in front of, in the name of a charity fundraiser event at our country club for Hospice.

Think “The Real Housewives of My Neighborhood” meets Amy Winehouse’s “Rehab.”

Not so far off perhaps.

When someone asks what number I am doing for the charity event, I reply “Rehab” and they always get the biggest smile and say enthusiastically, “PERFECT!”

I am telling myself it is all because of my mad eyeliner skills and the ten pounds of dark brown hair I have

Right?

My husband Jim gets in on the act as well.

He doesn’t really sign up.

One day I tell him his indian costume came and another day I tell him his feather headdress is hilarious.

He always says the same thing, “I am not doing that.”

He always does though.

This year he did it with extra awesomeness.

Really.

I have proof.

I have no idea why he is jogging.

I do know he is nuts.

Nuts in the name of Hospice.

I also know he must love me because he gets up there and then doesn’t strangle me the next day when people are posting his “running man” on their Facebooks, because you know they were.

A year ago I pondered why people call me when they are going to a “pimp and ho” Halloween party and are in need of clothing.

Pimp and Ho Party Clothing

This year I am left pondering why I was asked to be Amy Winehouse in “Rehab” for our clubs annual Hospice charity event.

Here I am two years ago as “Lea Michele” lip syncing to “Somebody to Love.”

Glee Somebody to Love

Don’t I look like I am in high school?  Bahhhaa!

What causes do you support?  Are you willing to drink too much and lip sync on stage so you are “in character” in front of all your friends and neighbors?

Our community has been putting on this fundraiser for over ten years and they have raised over $700,000.  I tell you this because it amazes me that having this much fun also helps Hospice.

What charity would you want to get involved in if you aren’t already?

Abbie can be reached at abbie.gale@allthatmakesyou.com

“All That Makes You…”

allthatmakesyou.com

Twitter: allthatmakesyou

Facebook page: All That Makes You

Instagram: All That Makes You

 

 

 

The Couch That Brings Our Family Together

When I am not tending to my family, I am usually knee deep in a project around our home.

I am one of those people who has to have something going on.

If I get quiet on my blog “All That Makes You…” it is because I am out hunting the perfect side table with the dimensions I desire and made of a material that compliments the room.

I also need home and garden projects to express my creative side.

All That Makes You At Home

If I cannot make something more beautiful, comfortable or usable I don’t feel alive.

Ok, I rearrange vacation rental houses during the week we stay there.  I do.  I spend the first morning shuffling chairs and tilting couches so it feels more comfortable.

Why can’t my “art” be a collage of items in a room that makes me want to sit and linger and put my feet up?

Why would painting a canvas be more important that finding the perfect environment for that piece of art on canvas to live?

Why do I obsess over finding wall colors comfortable in both morning light and evening light?

Why do some people go for “the new style” instead of what is comfortable and usable in their homes?

Why shouldn’t I be blogging about these projects in my home and sharing what we are doing and have done?

As usual, blogging has lead me to a personal epiphany.

I have decided to launch a new blog where I share before and after photos, tips I have learned and even ask for my readers opinions about decorating.

It will be called…

All That Makes You, at Home

allthatmakesyouathome.com will be launching soon!

What a difference a year makes.

A year ago I was just figuring out my role and voice here on “All That Makes You.”

I am going to continue on with sharing our silly stories here but I will also have a space where I share what I love, making a house a home.

I have decided that I can still write and share the creative side of me and still do the projects at home that bring our family closer together.

This year while I was in Chicago, attending BlogHer, and I was tickled to be able to visit with the folks at La-Z-Boy.

They sponsored a booth and let me just say I would have ordered all the furniture in the booth if they came with the “MATCHING” gentlemen.

La-Z-Boy BlogHer

Wouldn’t They look cute in my house?

I have a little thing I like to brag about.

I am convinced we own the world’s largest La-Z-Boy sectional.

We all know about our boys obsession with making it into the “Guinness Book of World Records” (if you don’t know about it you can see a picture here.)  So I am guessing they get that from me.

Several years ago we decided to put in a home theater.   Most people were doing “theater seating” at that time.

I don’t even like going to the movies because I have to sit in a chair, hence wanting a home theater.

I want to lay down on a big couch with my kids and hubby in a huddle with blankets.

We have a beautiful La-Z-Boy showroom in our town.

They made it so easy to get EVERYTHING we wanted.

  • Comfortable with deep seats to lay next to each other.
  • Fabric that does not show buttery popcorn hands.
  • A sleeper bed hidden for family visits.
  • Two recliners for those who like to sit to be comfy as well.

Once we chose the sofa that met out needs they had an associate that helped me design the pieces to fit into our space.

We ended up with TEN pieces AND all of our criteria had been met.

We affectionally  call the sectional “The Pit” because it is where we hunker down and watch a movie on Sunday nights together before going back to school.  It is where our friends come to watch football games and tease us and call it the  ”class reunion” couch.  It is where house guests refuse to unfold the sleeper bed because the couch is so comfortable they just want to sleep on it!

We love La-Z Boy around here.

La-Z-Boy embodies my design style.

I don’t care how amazing that sofa looks, if I don’t want to sit on it.

La-Z-Boy makes furniture that we all want to hang out on.

We have a fairly formal home and have found many pieces from La-Z-Boy that fit our style.  We have been able to customize fabrics on chairs and give a modern twist on a traditional, formal home.

I am looking forward to sharing those La-Z-Boy pieces on my new blog.

During the time I spent trying to see if the folks at La-Z-Boy booth knew if anyone may have a larger sectional than ours, I found out they are having a contest for $5,000 worth of La-Z-Boy products.

$5,000 worth of La-Z-Boy to do a room in our home for my new home blog!

Hello!  Hello!  I am here!  This is my entry and can I just say I already have the room inspiration picked out that I would use in a sitting room we have.

La-Z-Boy Kinsley

This room is called the Kinsley and it is on the La-Z-Boy website under the “Inspiration” tabs.

Wish me luck and lots of energy as these two blogs have me very excited!

Abbie Gale

allthatmakesyou.com

allthatmakesyouathome.com

Thank you La-Z-Boy for the opportunity to enter this contest.

Also, thank you for making our room sized sectional and family time so great!

 

 

Three Sons and the Big Scary Internet

We have three sons and the internet is scary to me.

I know what I would have been “Googling” and doing when I was a teenager if the internet existed then.

Here is my first funny “wake-up moment” with our boys.

I was in the kitchen cooking and I hear horror movie screaming coming from the family room.

I turn around from the stove to see what was going on.

I see our three boys sitting around the laptop in a huddle.

Kind of like this…

The boys all begin yelling and have looks of terror on their faces. They have now backed up away from the lonely laptop.

The thoughts that are racing through my head…has the child safety features on our internet failed. What have they happened across…

I am now racing towards them as one of the older boys pushes his twin brother towards the laptop and he steps forward and slams the laptop shut while cringing. They begin to turn on each other.

“Why did you build it that short?”

“You should have sent a zookeeper sooner to catch it!”

Oh my word…I hesitantly open the laptop to see a ZooTycoon “NOTICE” on the screen that tells me a lion was eating the park visitors.

Our youngest, Peter, has tears in his eyes and says to his brothers, “Why did you let it eat those children?”

Zoo Tycoon. The game I bought for the kids because it was supposed to be happy and make their minds plan and organize, they get to create habitats and care for animals…lets the animals eat the zoo’s guests if you build the habitats wrong?

There are shrieks coming from the laptop. My three sweet boys have their eyes covered up as I shut down the game.

This really, really makes me laugh.

My kids need to be shipped off to a farm for a summer to toughen them up. So stinkin’ cute.

Flash forward and we are a few years older and the boys are all three regularly on the internet.

Honestly, we trust them and yet we know they are going to “check things out.”

What I didn’t expect was the accidental websites that would pop up when they Googled “cockapoo.”

As in a cocker spaniel crossed with a poodle.

That was an uncomfortable phone call a friends mom had to make after our boys spent time there.

I do not want to have to call a mom and tell her what their child happened across at my house!

Our youngest is nine now and I worry he is going to happen across something that will force the “birds and the bees” talk earlier than his twin brothers forced talk.  Remember that one?  I titled it “Aren’t you glad you only had to do THAT twice for three kids?” 

I need more time before I have to explain all “THAT” again!

I attended #SweetSuite in Chicago by #TheBigToyBook a couple of weeks ago and learned about this great product that our Peter would love.  I would love it too because it would get him off of my laptop!

There is a tablet called the Kurio 10s and it is designed specifically with internet safety and parental controls in mind.

Here are some of the features Kurio offers in their products:

  • Fully customizable Internet content filtering system
  • Safe-List option (allows access to approved sites)
  • Block-List option (blocks inappropriate sites)
  • Predefined filtering profiles
  • Separate settings for each user
  • Millions of Web addresses indexed & categorized
  • The most secure solution for Internet content filtering

This would mean when I am doing a project at home I don’t have to worry about my kids searching for soccer gear at “Dicks Sporting Goods” and accidentally ending up on a website that does not sell soccer shoes.

The internet can be a scary place.  I love the idea that the Kurio is BUILT for this purpose.  I am not having to download programs and apps and hoping that they filter content.

Disclaimer: This post is written for a contest that Kurio is having for bloggers to win a Kurio product for review.  I do not enter many contests but this product really made sense to me and frankly, if it can filter what my three boys search…y’all need one too.  ;)

Abbie Gale

All That Makes You…Smile, Laugh, Think, Love or Cry.

You may also enjoy this story from allthatmakesyou.com

My Son’s Kindergarten Teachers Names are Mrs Hatfield and Mrs McCoy?

Follow our stories at the top of the page in the “subscribe” section.

Like and subscribe to my Facebook page: All That Makes You
Twitter: @allthatmakesyou
Email me at: abbiegale at allthatmakesyou dot com
If you are a publisher or producer email me and I will give you my phone number. If you are Child Protective Services email me and I will give you the phone number of someone I don’t like. If you want to come and help me fold clothes and put them away I will give you my address and a big kiss.