My kids are Auditioning for Jacka$$ 2023 Edition, EVERY DAY

Well, here is the story about probably the most inappropriate thing that was ever said in a Build-A-Bear.

Because what my funny kids did to me there ten years ago apparently wasn’t embarrassing enough.

Because my kids are auditioning for Jacka$$ 2023, EVERYDAY.

Our youngest has had a bunny from Build-A-Bear since before he was born.

When I was pregnant with him I took our four year-old twins to build “the baby in Mamma’s belly” a stuffed animal to bring to the hospital.

It was a very sweet day.

But you aren’t here for that.

The “embarrass Abbie moment” is coming up.

First, you have to see I am TRYING to raise good and normal boys.

Trying.

They made a wish for their little brother while holding the little red Build-A-Bear hearts.

They gave them a kiss and the two hearts were sewn up into the bunny.

When Peter began talking he named his bunny, well…Bunny.

After the lady at the store filled the bunny up with fluff the big boys went to bathe and brush the bunny. If you have ever been at a Build -A-Bear you know there is a fake bathtub that is really a table that looks like a cartoon bathtub and instead of spraying water it shoots air to fluff up your new friends fur.

Build-A-Bear Bunny

Cute right?

Until I looked over and one of my twins was LAYING ON THE FAKE BATHTUB while his brother was giggle screaming blasting him in the face with the air nozzle.

No.  There are no pictures of that.  I was too busy wobbling over to stop them.  Remember, the child came out 10 1/2 pounds which is why I wrote “My Bellybutton is Now a Cupholder.” Click this for THAT “funny” story (at my expense again)

So we laughed for a few years about that and our youngest really begins to love his “Bunny.”

Bunny Love Collage

He loves it so much that when he turns two he wants a “new” bunny that he names New Bunny.

Adorable, right?

Eventually there is a birthday party at the store for a friend and he picks out…you guessed it, a NEW “New Bunny!”

For all these  years the trio of amigos sleep with him every night.  They go on trips in suitcases and they are well loved.

For being a tough guy, he is shameless about having his bunnies with him.

He also spends a great deal of time putting them into situations where “kill the bunny” would be an appropriate title.   The kid has issues to work through with having two big brothers beating him down all day.

Embarrassing

When I found Bunny in this “situation” I feared Peter had found a copy of “Fifty Shades of Grey” so I wrote a little ditty called “Poor Husbands and their Wives’ Naughty Books” and you can read that by clicking HERE and read the funny about the Bethenny Frankel show calling me about that piece HERE.

Flash forward ten years and we are at the mall Saturday buying the big boys new tennis shoes.

Peter is being patient  but does ask to go into Build-A-Bear.

If you have a youngest child, that means you know you are done having babies these things are bitter sweet.

This was probably going to be the last time any of my kids will want to go into that store.

Even his big brothers recognized it.

He asked to get another bunny.

Love.

I said yes.

All choked up.  All of my three boys there.  All.  Choked.  Up.

His big brothers and I talked about when they laid onto the bathtub and how their little brother’s first bunny has two hearts inside instead of one.

Build-A-Bear Fun

We stuffed his new bunny and went to the register to pay in a long line, the kind of line the store only has on a Saturday.

It was our turn.

The young girl smiles big and leans in and asks sweetly,

“Does your new bunny have a name?”

I am waiting for the “New, New, New Bunny” reply when his raspy little voice next to me says,

 

“Herbert…”

All I can think to do is dive into the imaginary fox hole cartoon style because I know what is coming next and judging by the looks on his brothers faces, they would be jumping in that fox hole right next to me.

We all know what “Herbert’s” last name is in our house.  Herbert is the guy from “Family Guy.”

Actually, as soon as “Herbert” was said one of the twins RAN out of the store.

I was making the “Nooooooooo….!” face mixed with the poop face.

He says,

“Herbert!  Herbert the Pervert!”

Herbert The Pervert

You know this guy…

Family Guy’s Herbert the Pervert

I am now making the squinty eyes smile face at the sweet sales girl.

The sweet 20 something year old  know now she must have flunked out of teachers school sales girl says,

“Well, I guess you won’t be sleeping with HIM tonight!”

(wink wink)

I instantly wanted to high five her.

Like jump up and give her the “we women unite against these smart as$ed boys” high five!

I also strangely wanted to high five my own little smart as$ed little boy because he did that thing his mamma does that makes me, his mamma, giggle.

I like to say things to make someone uncomfortable and keep a straight face.

You know like the time the twins stuck their heads in the urinals at preschool.

YOU KNOW!

When I told the teachers that I dunk their heads in the toilet when they have an accident to try and explain WHY my kids would dip their hair in the school urinals.

JUST GO READ THIS AND IT IS WAYYYYY FUNNIER THAN THIS, but come back, ok?

His timing.  The pause and then the straight, matter of fact delivery of “Herbert.  Herbert the Pervert” with not a smirk in his freckled little face just made me think that they did indeed give me the right baby back after they cleaned all the baby juices off of him that day he was born.  I am still a little dazed after giving birth to DOUBLE DIGITS, AGAIN!

He not only meant to deliver uncomfortableness to this poor sweet girl, he was trying to embarrass his brothers and me in front of this giant line of folks.

My tag line on my blog and Twitter and Facebook and all my accounts is usually something along the lines of, “Abbie Gale is a writer & humorist at AllThatMakesYou.com while raising the next cast of Jacka$$ while married to a Dr who asks her to cover her cleavage as it reminds him of work…”

I am not kidding folks.  

My life is a sitcom.

I burst into squeals between the sales girls response and the fact that my nine year-old pimped his brother to the point he sprinted out of the store and he was also able to keep a straight face when I was reacting to just, “Herbert.”

It was a fine line to not draw attention and get the gal fired…

(for being awesome and then I would have to hire her to correct my punctuation on my blog but we would be fast best friends because she is awesome, like me, the farm animal incubator)

…and still let her know that she rocked dishing it right back to my little stinker.

Yes, little tear in my eye when I realized our Build-A-Bear family circle started and ended in a ten year span, at the very same store where it all began.

Who would have ever thought two little boys, that almost made me run out of that very same store ten years ago while they crawled onto the “bathtub”, would eventually be running out embarrassed their little brother was telling the store clerk that he didn’t name his bunny “New New New Bunny” but instead “Herbert the Pervert.”

Proud.  Mom.  Moment.

Also I am pretty sure we are on a “no serve” list at “The Bear” after this one.

I am ok with it.  I have a vacation home spent on Build-A-Bears.

Abbie Gale
allthatmakesyou.com
Abbie Gale at allthatmakesyou.com

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You might enjoy these stories and further proof the kids are all NUTS, (and they might get it from me.)

April Fools or Just Any Normal Day Here

Some people have their photos on their computer categorized by titles such as…
Vacation
Baseball
Dance Performances

Here are some of the photo file names on my computer…
WTF
Critters
Costumes
Adventure
Seriously?
Peter Thinks This Stupid

Now today, a very special day in a home of three boys, I shall reflect and share with you one of our April Fools pranks.

Of course, we don’t let a date on a calendar get in the way of prankery. We will add rubber cockroaches to the cereal box any day of the year.

I thought about what was one of my favorite pranks recently and decided to share this gem.
Just Happy They Didn’t Kill The Poor Lawn Guy

Abbie Gale at allthatmakesyou.com

20130401-082237.jpg

I know it looks like I am a stripper but the wig is actually my husbands.

Running a story I told a while back.  Thought it was relevant since I cannot write today because Peter signed me up as room mother.  You would think the kid would know his mom a little better than that.  ;)

Here goes… Have you ever felt like your kids school’s teachers and staff think you are disheveled, bonkers or possibly a stripper?  Well, after the story I am about to tell you you will realize that my kids principal and school counselor probably think I am all three.

The night before the first day of school and because this was our first year of being car riders and to two schools no less, I cleaned out the Suburban as the teachers will get a first hand look inside at the schools drop off and pick up lines. I wouldn’t want them to see how we REALLY live. Knowing I will finally have time to do some decorating while they are off learning I pile grocery bags of fabric that I have in my house, pieces of granite we have, cabinet door fronts we have had built…ok piles of examples of colors and pillows and wood…all over my front seat to make it easy to grab what I need and ponder while in the lines at school.  The plan is to sneak off to the fabric stores while I’m kid free. I’m thinking I’m so well prepared and getting something done while sitting.  It was good to think so highly of myself for A DAY… On the first day of school I’m picking up at the elementary school and the principal is out walking the car line.  Keep in mind I’m still gun-shy of all teachers and principals after my less than exemplary behavior as a child.   And here she comes to talk to me, while I’m in the car, and at my window and not at one of the windows where the car is clean… she comes to the “a homeless person lives in this car” window.  

I’m shrinking in my seat as she asks why I don’t have “the tag” with my child’s name and school hanging from my rear view mirror.

I say (remember my kids were always bus riders), “I don’t have one.” She is making the poop face, (like all principals do;) at my pile of house samples all over the front of my car that looks like I’m a hoarder.  I then say, “Where do we get them?”

She says, “At the open house. Did his teacher not give you one?” Ok, here’s where I wish I could lie…

I say, “We didn’t go to open house.” I am now making the poop face. We go to all open houses. We’ve never missed one. For the love of God my first grader begged not to go and I have been to them there five years in a row. We know the teacher and made a decision to skip this one and I walked him in on the morning of the first day. Anyway, she continues with her nose scrunched up and handwrites his name on a tag (something tells me she wanted them all computer printed). I spend the next several days saying to myself, I wish I had fewer “New Adventures of the Old Christine” moments…They only get better because that next Monday morning at the car rider drop off line the school counselor opens the door for Peter. This is the same clean backseat from a few from a few days ago.

Except that the entire time I’m saying goodbye to Peter and good morning to the counselor she is staring at the backseat floor right behind me, you know the spot the driver cannot see.  She too is making the teacher “poop face”.   At the next stop sign I take off my seat belt and look around to find my husbands bright red gym bag stuffed so full it cannot be zipped up and a pile of black hair sticking out all over the floor of the Suburban.

It is a black wig that we all know my husband wore on stage last Saturday night, with our friends at a Hospice fundraiser, dressed up as Kiss…to raise money and make people laugh.

It now looks like a decapitated head in my backseat shoved in a gym bag or some kind of weird kinky thing or I can’t think of a reason that isn’t during Halloween week to have a long black wig in a duffel bag at the feet of your first grader. Sometimes I feel like I am Old Christine or Elaine from Seinfeld.

Proof!
- Abbie, All that makes you smile, laugh, think, love, cry or cry laughing!
allthatmakesyou.com

Halloween at our House, You Have Been Warned

Dear North Carolina Friends and Family,

I am sorry, in advance, for our Halloween display. 

You may want to keep your small children from coming over to play at Miss Abbie’s house until after the holiday. 

If you decide to still send them*, you may want to talk to them first about Miss Abbie and how funny she thinks Halloween is.  

This is the side porch Witches Shop and skull sings, “I Ain’t Got No Body” and I love him.
How Miss Abbie likes terrifying children and making grown men run with bushes that shake and growl when you walk past them.  That to her, keeping rats in jars, in her kitchen…screams Halloween, or at least made the cleaning lady scream.  
Bwwwhhhahhaaa!!!! Bwwhhahhhaa!!!!!
It is really all Jim’s fault with finishing his “back to school” year and giving me two whole years to think about what to order and do next when he is done.

He’s done…

*Please do not come over Oct 1 – Nov 1 if you have any type of heart ailment or unresolved aneurysm. 

Think “Haunted Mansion” at Disney.

Oh, one more public service announcement to friends that are realtors and people trying to sell a house on my street.

I am sorry. I hear spring is the best time to move anyway.

BTW: I did not order this skeleton, despite it being on sale. You would have to be pretty sick and twisted to have a clown skeleton. 

PS
Grandinroad.com, you just get me.
Busts of heads that talk to each other?
And my favorite!
Posable skeleton I plan on putting in my rocking chair on the front porch, crisscross applesauce and with an old cell phone in its hand, reading.
It is even about my height!
(please tell your children it isn’t really Miss Abbie)
Bwwwwhhhaaaa!
Love.

Abbie Gale

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She Knows I Am Laughing With Her

Lilly would like people to stop telling me how cute she looks in bows.

She would also like me to stop matching her bows to her pink (rat-like) skin tone.

She also would like someone to drop a baby daughter off for me to torture decorate raise.

She is happy I didn’t give her this old haircut.  No one loved her for two whole months.

But I did do this.  

Come on.  It is too funny!  I don’t even paint my own nails.

She loves attention.

She begs to get her teeth brushed.

The toothpaste is chicken flavored and she is only allowed to eat her dog food.

She might think teeth brushing is a treat.

Abbie Gale

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