Marshmallow

Peter, Mom, Dr Dre is sooooo funny! There is this video of a woman saying, “I hear what you’re saying but I am only listening to what I want to.” Then Dr Dre says, “Spoken like a true woman.”
Me, PERPLEXED “Dr Dre said this?”
Peter, “Sorry, I meant Dr Phil.”
I am cracking up at so many things including, why does he think that is so funny? He is 9? Also, he informed me he is VERY excited for puberty and then he asked me if the school
would know where the magician they hired who called his arms “marshmallows” lives.
That magician really put a burr in Peter’s britches. Apparently, he is waiting for “puberty” to grant him muscles.
I told him he needs to quit dwelling on this magician trying to be funny by teasing him and that surely the whole school doesn’t even remember.
His reply, “No mom, not the whole school. Just the 3rd-5th graders.
If I were the magician, I would look over my shoulder.

Smoking gun

Secret Guilty Mom Confessions

Hello, my name is Abbie.

I have a secret guilty mom confession.

I have a secret cabinet in my kitchen that my kids don’t know that opens.  

Actually, there are two cabinets that look like panels.

In one I keep Scotch tape and scissors and the other everything I need to make S’mores.

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Today I couldn’t get my pants to button. I tried the Scotch tape but it wont hold. I am going to notch the waist with my scissors, so I can sit down.

It is a good thing I have this secret stash because God knows without my hidden cabinets I would have never found Scotch tape or scissors in a house with three kids.

I have a belly full of Smores from lunch and now all I need is to make out with someone with the stomach flu.

Anyone? Anyone else have a secret stash from the kids?    

Here are some stories that might make you laugh

The “Stuff” My Kid Says is Funnier Than Your Dad’s

Epic Embarrassing Night Again, Enjoy

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Hug Your Kids Long

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While driving to our youngest’s bus stop I noticed a Dad who is always there with his two boys waiting in their car, wasn’t. This is how I gauge whether or not we missed the bus on its last stop.
I leave earlier or later depending on all the kids morning activities.
This is the happy bus stop as it is the “sleep in 15 minutes later” bus stop on Thursdays.
I don’t know the folks at this stop as it is out of my neighborhood. I do know the Dad is there everyday. He gives his boys not only hugs but long hugs. He pauses and draws them even closer and whispers into their ears something that is only intended for them and then a kiss. EVERY. DAY.
I marvel at the time he takes to say goodbye, while a busy highway packed with people going to work in one direction and people getting to school in the other, is paused for the flashing lights and the stop arm of the bus.
I had never seen a Mom there.
I assumed she worked early or late the night before or maybe there wasn’t a Mom around anymore, judging how much the Dad doted on them.
When I pulled in I said to my youngest, “I don’t think we missed the bus. Maybe she came early. The boys and their Dad aren’t there.”
My sweet nine year-old said, “Oh Mom, I forgot to tell you, their Mom died this week.”
Then it hit me.
The tears and crying.
These are sweet boys that would get out of their Dad’s car and talk to my boys and pet our dog.
Those sweet boys.
That father.
Their Mom must be the Mom that I didn’t know that I heard died of breast cancer this week. She had been fighting it for years. Probably had been fighting it all of these lovely boys memory.
Once I dropped off the older boys at their school I finally had myself pulled together when our sweet electrician Earlie called.
If you ever read my story about the “That Time I Almost Rendered Earlie Late” you know he is helping us out often.
He is working on the new property we bought making sure as I put it, “no little boys electrocute themselves turning on barn lights while they are covered in water and mud.”
Earlie is a very southern gentleman, sometimes I need him to repeat himself, and he told me he wouldn’t be out to the barn-house for a few days because of his Uncle’s passing.
He began to get all choked up when he said he was one of his best friends and that he and his dad were a constant in his life.
So we both cried on the phone.
I cried for little boys who lost their Mom and for good Dads. Earlie cried for what he told me was an Uncle who treated him like a son.
We all have so much to be thankful for, even in loss.
We do have each other and we have the thought and prayers of people we may not even know are praying and sending good thoughts our way. I am thankful that I have a painful reminder that life is sadly unexpected and to let my boys know that even if they lost a parent that we have set up arrangements and that they will be loved and taken care of.
Some mornings we bicker about homework or quiz each other on test topics. This morning we talked about our blessings and how we don’t know what someone is going through and we should always hug long and give kisses.

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After I posted this I became aware of a Facebook page celebrating Melissa Clark and a way to donate to her young sons.
Melissa Clark Memorial Page

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Abbie Gale
All That Makes You…
allthatmakesyou.com

My kids are Auditioning for Jacka$$ 2023 Edition, EVERY DAY

Well, here is the story about probably the most inappropriate thing that was ever said in a Build-A-Bear.

Because what my funny kids did to me there ten years ago apparently wasn’t embarrassing enough.

Because my kids are auditioning for Jacka$$ 2023, EVERYDAY.

Our youngest has had a bunny from Build-A-Bear since before he was born.

When I was pregnant with him I took our four year-old twins to build “the baby in Mamma’s belly” a stuffed animal to bring to the hospital.

It was a very sweet day.

But you aren’t here for that.

The “embarrass Abbie moment” is coming up.

First, you have to see I am TRYING to raise good and normal boys.

Trying.

They made a wish for their little brother while holding the little red Build-A-Bear hearts.

They gave them a kiss and the two hearts were sewn up into the bunny.

When Peter began talking he named his bunny, well…Bunny.

After the lady at the store filled the bunny up with fluff the big boys went to bathe and brush the bunny. If you have ever been at a Build -A-Bear you know there is a fake bathtub that is really a table that looks like a cartoon bathtub and instead of spraying water it shoots air to fluff up your new friends fur.

Build-A-Bear Bunny

Cute right?

Until I looked over and one of my twins was LAYING ON THE FAKE BATHTUB while his brother was giggle screaming blasting him in the face with the air nozzle.

No.  There are no pictures of that.  I was too busy wobbling over to stop them.  Remember, the child came out 10 1/2 pounds which is why I wrote “My Bellybutton is Now a Cupholder.” Click this for THAT “funny” story (at my expense again)

So we laughed for a few years about that and our youngest really begins to love his “Bunny.”

Bunny Love Collage

He loves it so much that when he turns two he wants a “new” bunny that he names New Bunny.

Adorable, right?

Eventually there is a birthday party at the store for a friend and he picks out…you guessed it, a NEW “New Bunny!”

For all these  years the trio of amigos sleep with him every night.  They go on trips in suitcases and they are well loved.

For being a tough guy, he is shameless about having his bunnies with him.

He also spends a great deal of time putting them into situations where “kill the bunny” would be an appropriate title.   The kid has issues to work through with having two big brothers beating him down all day.

Embarrassing

When I found Bunny in this “situation” I feared Peter had found a copy of “Fifty Shades of Grey” so I wrote a little ditty called “Poor Husbands and their Wives’ Naughty Books” and you can read that by clicking HERE and read the funny about the Bethenny Frankel show calling me about that piece HERE.

Flash forward ten years and we are at the mall Saturday buying the big boys new tennis shoes.

Peter is being patient  but does ask to go into Build-A-Bear.

If you have a youngest child, that means you know you are done having babies these things are bitter sweet.

This was probably going to be the last time any of my kids will want to go into that store.

Even his big brothers recognized it.

He asked to get another bunny.

Love.

I said yes.

All choked up.  All of my three boys there.  All.  Choked.  Up.

His big brothers and I talked about when they laid onto the bathtub and how their little brother’s first bunny has two hearts inside instead of one.

Build-A-Bear Fun

We stuffed his new bunny and went to the register to pay in a long line, the kind of line the store only has on a Saturday.

It was our turn.

The young girl smiles big and leans in and asks sweetly,

“Does your new bunny have a name?”

I am waiting for the “New, New, New Bunny” reply when his raspy little voice next to me says,

 

“Herbert…”

All I can think to do is dive into the imaginary fox hole cartoon style because I know what is coming next and judging by the looks on his brothers faces, they would be jumping in that fox hole right next to me.

We all know what “Herbert’s” last name is in our house.  Herbert is the guy from “Family Guy.”

Actually, as soon as “Herbert” was said one of the twins RAN out of the store.

I was making the “Nooooooooo….!” face mixed with the poop face.

He says,

“Herbert!  Herbert the Pervert!”

Herbert The Pervert

You know this guy…

Family Guy’s Herbert the Pervert

I am now making the squinty eyes smile face at the sweet sales girl.

The sweet 20 something year old  know now she must have flunked out of teachers school sales girl says,

“Well, I guess you won’t be sleeping with HIM tonight!”

(wink wink)

I instantly wanted to high five her.

Like jump up and give her the “we women unite against these smart as$ed boys” high five!

I also strangely wanted to high five my own little smart as$ed little boy because he did that thing his mamma does that makes me, his mamma, giggle.

I like to say things to make someone uncomfortable and keep a straight face.

You know like the time the twins stuck their heads in the urinals at preschool.

YOU KNOW!

When I told the teachers that I dunk their heads in the toilet when they have an accident to try and explain WHY my kids would dip their hair in the school urinals.

JUST GO READ THIS AND IT IS WAYYYYY FUNNIER THAN THIS, but come back, ok?

His timing.  The pause and then the straight, matter of fact delivery of “Herbert.  Herbert the Pervert” with not a smirk in his freckled little face just made me think that they did indeed give me the right baby back after they cleaned all the baby juices off of him that day he was born.  I am still a little dazed after giving birth to DOUBLE DIGITS, AGAIN!

He not only meant to deliver uncomfortableness to this poor sweet girl, he was trying to embarrass his brothers and me in front of this giant line of folks.

My tag line on my blog and Twitter and Facebook and all my accounts is usually something along the lines of, “Abbie Gale is a writer & humorist at AllThatMakesYou.com while raising the next cast of Jacka$$ while married to a Dr who asks her to cover her cleavage as it reminds him of work…”

I am not kidding folks.  

My life is a sitcom.

I burst into squeals between the sales girls response and the fact that my nine year-old pimped his brother to the point he sprinted out of the store and he was also able to keep a straight face when I was reacting to just, “Herbert.”

It was a fine line to not draw attention and get the gal fired…

(for being awesome and then I would have to hire her to correct my punctuation on my blog but we would be fast best friends because she is awesome, like me, the farm animal incubator)

…and still let her know that she rocked dishing it right back to my little stinker.

Yes, little tear in my eye when I realized our Build-A-Bear family circle started and ended in a ten year span, at the very same store where it all began.

Who would have ever thought two little boys, that almost made me run out of that very same store ten years ago while they crawled onto the “bathtub”, would eventually be running out embarrassed their little brother was telling the store clerk that he didn’t name his bunny “New New New Bunny” but instead “Herbert the Pervert.”

Proud.  Mom.  Moment.

Also I am pretty sure we are on a “no serve” list at “The Bear” after this one.

I am ok with it.  I have a vacation home spent on Build-A-Bears.

Abbie Gale
allthatmakesyou.com
Abbie Gale at allthatmakesyou.com

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PS If you are a publisher or producer email me and I will give you my phone number. If you are Child Protective Services email me and I will give you the phone number of someone I don’t like. If you want to come and help me fold clothes and put them away I will give you my address and a big kiss.
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You might enjoy these stories and further proof the kids are all NUTS, (and they might get it from me.)

Fake Football Fan Here, It Is All About The Food For Me

My name is Abbie. I can’t tell you a thing about football but I know I have my boys as a captive audience for food and treats in our little nest for a few hours every Saturday in the fall.

What is wrong with me that by 9:00am today, a monday, I was making a grocery list after Googling what time the Michigan football game is on Saturday? No thoughts about who they are playing but I am so excited to make food?

I went to a cooking class at our club last week that was about twists on traditional tailgating food.

Here is brisket on a roll with broccoli slaw and topped with bleu cheese.

What about you, is it football, food or both? What do you love about fall?

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