Secret Guilty Mom Confessions

Hello, my name is Abbie.

I have a secret guilty mom confession.

I have a secret cabinet in my kitchen that my kids don’t know that opens.  

Actually, there are two cabinets that look like panels.

In one I keep Scotch tape and scissors and the other everything I need to make S’mores.

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Today I couldn’t get my pants to button. I tried the Scotch tape but it wont hold. I am going to notch the waist with my scissors, so I can sit down.

It is a good thing I have this secret stash because God knows without my hidden cabinets I would have never found Scotch tape or scissors in a house with three kids.

I have a belly full of Smores from lunch and now all I need is to make out with someone with the stomach flu.

Anyone? Anyone else have a secret stash from the kids?    

Here are some stories that might make you laugh

The “Stuff” My Kid Says is Funnier Than Your Dad’s

Epic Embarrassing Night Again, Enjoy

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PS If you are a publisher or producer email me and I will give you my phone number. If you are Child Protective Services email me and I will give you the phone number of someone I don’t like. If you want to come and help me fold clothes and put them away I will give you my address and a big kiss.

 

We Need a List of all the Bad Words so we Don’t Call the Teacher that Again

Here are a couple language lessons from our kids on words you may not say…

Peter is a sweet boy and a handful, as he always knew far too much for a preschooler.  He can be dangerous to small children as he is always around big kids.

Shooting Gallery allthatmakesyou.com

He was invited to a party one summer with other children in preschool.  God has a sense of humor and we know this because when something that should probably not be said out loud, in a large group of people, somehow everyone stops talking all at once…and that one thing, that one that should not be said, is heard and heard by everyone.  That is exactly what happened.  During the loud post “Happy Birthday” singing and waiting for the cake and ice cream suddenly…silence.

Then you hear Peter’s sweet raspy voice loudly and clearly say,

“Well, I know what bad words are.  I know that I can say beaver dam but I cannot ever say D@mn beaver!” 

That is a lesson for us all!

We were all having our bowl of ice cream and hunkered down to watch “The Voice” after holding the DVR season premier over three little boys heads all evening and they were so excited as they love all the judges. At one point one of the judges jokingly called another judge a “bast*rd” for swaying a contestant to be on their team.

One of the older boys (keeping the admission of guilt anonymous to protect him;) snickers,

Jim and I just stare at him with a look of WHAAAT???

Then Jim says,

Peter and I are curled up in a blanket to keep away the ice cream shivers and hiding our laughter.

Jim says, “Stop saying that! It’s a bad word!”

12 years old, “Oh my gosh! It is I had no idea! I have been using it like crazy! I have been calling all the kids at school it! Oh my gosh…I called my teacher a bast*rd! No wonder she was laughing at me…that why all the kids are laughing when I say…your such a bast*rd! Oh no!”

There is no blanket that can contain Jim, Peter’s, mine and the other 12 year olds laughter!

Then the laughing (other) 12 year says, “I have been using it like crazy too!”

Where have we gone wrong with the bigguns?

Here is more about VERY bad words…

Do not read this if you are feeling sensitive or are a “Judgy Judy” or if you don’t have a sense of humor.

Story below and if you dare please keep in mind they are still babies that are learning things in middle school.

Last night we were all in the kitchen. Family banter all around. Then I hear one of the kids call the other a “fa&&ot”…my head spins around…I don’t want to ask what he said in case it was “maggot” and then it will lead to the question, “what did you think I said, mom?” But I have to ask.

Two weeks ago they were calling each other “ba$tard” and when we were like, “whoooooaaaa!” they were mortified it was a bad word and mortified they had called other kids it thinking it was funny and WAYYYYYYY mortified to admit one of them called a teacher it. Clearly they used it wrong and the teacher just laughed at him probably realizing he doesn’t know its a bad word.
Ok, so I ask and I get a nonchalant answer…

“fa&&ot”

I shriek.
Ba$tard was halfway OK.
I mean it wasn’t like they said ret@rded.
They stopped ba$tard it as soon as they found out it was a bad word.
This is NOT.
I repeat the entire conversation about it being a bad word but I emphasize this is a VERY bad word.
They are, again, mortified.

“But we didn’t know. We heard it from our friends! I thought it was just a silly word. YOU NEED TO GIVE US A LIST OF ALL THE BAD WORDS!”

OK, I am the same mother that wouldn’t teach my three boys the proper word for a woman’s anatomy. I know that sounds old fashioned. It’s not that. I am certain I will be on a reality show one day. Not the star but the poor mother that the “stars” are blowing up fireworks in her bedroom in the middle of the night. You give these three boys the “V” word and they can easily slip it in after,

“You’re a giant______”

A list of all the bad words?  Are they crazy!
I say,

“I prefer to just handle it this way. Just ask me next time when you hearr a new word the kids are calling each other at school,”

I asked for it…

”What is a H@ mom?”

Seriously where is my husband at?  I say,

“That TOO is a bad word.”

One asks,

“Well what does it mean?”

I say,

“Someone thats had a LOT of boyfriends.”

and wink at the older boys with a head nod.

“OK, then is BobSaget a bad word too?”
For real? They are either calling each other Bob Saget at school these days or I didn’t hear it right. Did I ask them what they said again? NO!  I just said it was not.
I am trying to catch “hard of hearing” to avoid any more of this.

Should Have Married a Dentist

I love iPhoto.  I tried repeatedly to erase a blemish on someone’s face before I realized my laptop screen has a little boy “finger goober” on it.

Go Irish!

Then I had that “oh crap” moment! You know, the moment you realize you just sprayed your laptop screen with your dogs breath spray instead of the screen cleaner.

Lastly, I had an epiphany when I realized the two must have the exact same ingredients.

“I don’t need no stinkin’ breath spray! I just need chipmunk. Why wont anyone get me a chipmunk to cuddle on?”

Lets just call it what it was…a very welcomed unproductive week.
BTW  Tooth pain is distracting and its just plain wrong that society looks down on toothless folks.  If the sunken gummy smile ever becomes stylish I will be the first on board.  I should have married a dentist.

Abbie Gale

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Halloween Costume Voting is the the Best Kind of Voting

You know I have to pull some favorite pictures to share.  Please look at the last picture if you have ever thought me a liar.

Honestly, the kids faces in these pics crack me up!  What a fun time to pretend.

I think we should family theme dress tonight and I can be “Lady at the Spa” and they can be all the people that work at the spa.  One of them rubs my shoulders.  One of them paints my fingernails.  One of them rubs my feet while giving me a pedicure.  And Jim pays!  Brilliant and I wont even have to get dressed tonight, BATHROBE!

Your vote counts!  At least in this poll 50% of your friends wont think you’re an idiot if you tell them who your voting for.  This also means you won’t have to think half your friends are morons.   

[polldaddy poll=6652557]

Abbie Gale

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I Was Interviewed by CNN and not for Mischief, Kind of Anyway

I am quoted by Shanon Cook from CNN today!

Check it out by clicking the photo.

CNN allthatmakesyou.com Abbie Gale interview

CNN allthatmakesyou.com Abbie Gale interview

Does Botox Affect The Ability To Parent?  By Shanon Cook, CNN

Below is the funny story that led to Shanon Cook contacting me.  I have been so excited to share it with you.  I wasn’t saying a word until I read the article to  be sure  I didn’t sound completely insane!  I only sound slightly gonzo and that jives with me.  I wouldn’t want to falsely portray myself.

Botox is Really a Marriage Saving Device 

By Abbie Gale, All that makes you…

Ok, folks.  I have another a confession.

I have visited the Botox fairy a few times, (he is a friend who serves wine on his couch.)  He has been good to me.  More importantly, He has been good for my marriage and my personal relationships with anyone I have to deal with face to face.

If the Mayans are wrong, I will turn forty on “12.21.12.”  I am getting a lot of slack from friends accusing me of staging this whole “Mayan-End-Of-The-World-Thing” so I can be thirty-nine FOR-EV-ER.  It seemed like all my girlfriends were trying the Botox and all of my (pretend) girlfriends on TV had been doing it for years and so I said…

“Sign me up!  All these woman are making me look old!”

The first time “I did it” I didn’t tell my husband, Jim.  I wanted to see if he noticed.  He didn’t but hilariously found a moment to go on a tangent to our boys about how good I look and that “I don’t need any kind of assistance” when they asked why some women on TV look shellacked.  I was dunking and laughing around the corner.  How do you tell him after that?

I don’t think it altered my looks that much.  For me, I am a face maker as I am pretty animated, it is probably just keeping deep grooves from forming between my eyebrows.

Here is what I learned though.

People don’t need Botox for wrinkles.  The real reason why all women should be getting Botox?

Because you cannot make the, “You are such a dumb a$$ face!”

Your husband will instantly think you love him more.

Botox and Blue Eyes

 I sent my hubs this picture.  Don’t I look like I have it all together?  Smiling, driving, entertaining our son, taking a picture…I am kidding!

I was in the school parking lot waiting for my two other kids.

I also cannot figure out why Botox is not being marketed to people with these tag lines…

“Get Botox and make your husband feel like a genius!”

“Botox makes everyone wonder what your secret to happiness is.”

Botox is really missing the mark here.  There is an entire market of people that they haven’t even tapped into.

Even those suffering from mental health issues could benefit from a little Botox love.

“Suddenly, people find me more approachable!”

“It makes the voices in my head stop making the poop face.”

“Why are you looking at me?!!!  Is it because you think I’m pretty?  Do you think I am pretty?”

If this stay-at-home-mom thing doesn’t work out I am sooo going into marketing.

Have you tried any procedures to make yourself feel refreshed or younger?  Would you?  Are you more of an “age gracefully” kind of person?

If you have had Botox, did it go well?  Did you have any problems?  I ended up with a black eye once because I took ibuprofen before the injections for a tooth ache.   I looked so cute with my black eye.

No other mammas gave me any lip at the bus stop.  I looked so tough with my black eye and scary emotionless face.  Yet another benefit of the Botox.

Related articles

The Bethenny Frankel Show Called Me!

Fifty Shades is Funny and I Haven’t Even Read it!

Ten Stupid Things I Learned in NYC 

Abbie Gale

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